Lovely AKA God Damn It L
by Miklusca
Summary: A humor story of L, Sayu and one pissed off daddy. Completed
1. Chapter 1

**Lovely AKA God Damn It L!**

**Summary: A humor story of L, Sayu and one pissed off daddy.**

**AN: I'm not sure if there will be more chapters.**

**Warnings: Language.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, the characters or whatever.**

**Soichiro heard crying coming from his daughters room and opened the door without knocking.**

"**Sayu what's wrong, why are you crying?" He asked gently.**

"**I…I just found out I'm pregnant!" She cried and Soichiro's face went red with rage.**

"**Who's the father!? Who did this to you!?" He yelled and added. "Do I know him!?"**

"**Yes." Sayu nodded.**

"**Do I work with him?" Soichiro growled.**

"**Yes." She sobbed.**

"**Who tell me!? Don't tell me it's Matsuda!?"**

"**It's Light's friend, Ryuzaki." Sayu continued to cry and Soichiro left. He sped to headquarters and stormed in.**

"**Yagami-san is everything alright?" Watari asked.**

"**Where's Ryuzaki?" He said demonically. "Where's the god damn little bastard that knocked up my baby!?" Soichiro bellowed and took out his gun.**

"**Sir calm down, we can talk about this." Watari called, running after the pissed off parent.**

**Ryuzaki glanced up and seen Soichiro running at him with a gun pointed at his head. "Run Ryuzaki!" Watari shouted.**

"**Oh shit." L said and ran off with a smoke trail behind him leaving, Aizawa, Mogi, Matsuda and Light watching confused.**

"**Come back here you bastard!" Soichiro called, running after him and Watari right behind him.**

**The End**

**Stupid, but I kept thinking about doing this.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**Ryuzaki knew he was trapped after getting to the roof and Soichiro and Watari were right behind him.**

'**Damn it. Maybe I can talk my way out of it…wait what the hell is Yagami-san chasing after me anyways? I ran because of the gun pointed at me.' His thoughts were interrupted by a gunshot whizzing by his ear and he yelped.**

"**There you are you cradle robbed sicko!" Soichiro yelled and L's eyes bugged out.**

'**Oooh. He must have found out about Sayu's and my…' He stopped thinking as the gun raised again.**

"**Yagami-san stop this right now!" Watari yelled and pointed a shotgun that appeared out of nowhere at the raging man.**

"**What!? You're protecting this pedophile!? He had sex with my 15 year old daughter and has gotten her pregnant!" Soichiro yelled and Watari looked back and forth.**

"**Drop the gun and you two can talk about it." Watari said calmly and Soichiro growled as he tossed the firearm aside. Sighing Watari put the shotgun on a shocked L.**

"**Watari what the hell are you doing!?" L screamed.**

"**I've brought you up better than that L! How dare you sleep with a girl so young…and you didn't even tell me!" Watari shouted and both L and Soichiro looked at him confused.**

"**Uh…come again?" L asked and they could hear a cicada chirping.**

"**Oh I'm just saying you could have confided in me and I would have talked to Yagami-san ahead of time." Watari coughed and Soichiro's eyes narrowed.**

"**Is everyone here perverts or something? Now young man what are you going to do about my little girl?" He asked.**

"**Well I…don't know. It was by accident I came over we talked, she called me cute, we kissed and then…"**

"**Don't tell me this shit! You're old enough not to let your hormones take over, especially over a 15 year old girl!" Soichiro said.**

"**Well to be honest she doesn't look 15." L said in his defense and cringed as the hellfire in the older man's eyes threatened to burn him alive.**

"**Well she doesn't, she's actually well developed…" L stated and with a yell Soichiro beat him until he was unconscious. Panting Soichiro looked at Watari who still held the shotgun.**

"**I think that's enough Yagami-san, I think Ryuzaki learned his lesson. Now back away and get a drink, there's plenty of alcohol downstairs." Watari said and the other man left, more happy that he avenged his beloved daughters virginity.**

**Watari sighed and picked up his ward, then proceeded to carry him down to his room. The other members of the taskforce gasped as they saw L.**

"**What the hell happened!?" Matsuda yelled.**

"**Yeah and why was dad going after Ryuzaki?" Light asked. Watari paused laying L down on his bed and stepped out.**

"**Well apparently Ryuzaki and your sister got together and now she's pregnant with his child." Watari said and everyone's eyes bugged out in shock. Light's face went red like his dad's and ran into the bedroom to exact his own revenge. When he was done he came out happier and Watari went to bandage the more beaten up young man.**

"**Uh Light that wasn't exactly helping the suspicion of you being Kira." Aizawa said.**

"**I don't care, wouldn't you do the same thing if he did that to your daughter if she was Sayu's age?" Light asked and the other man growled.**

"**No. I would have killed him, strangled him with his own intestines and tear him in half with just my baton." Aizawa fumed and everyone backed away from him.**

"**Everyone join Yagami-san downstairs for a drink." Watari sighed and they left. 'L damn it you said if you were to have sex you would get me pictures.' He thought and continued to clean up the man.**

**TBC**

**I decided to continue this.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

AN: I know the characters are OOC, but I thought it would be funnier this way. ^_^ Also I know the two never met in the series, but hey it's just a story.

At the Yagami house Sachiko was holding her daughter, having been told what was wrong she couldn't help but feel it was her husbands and sons fault that this happened.

"Honey just tell me how you two met and how you got into this mess." She said and Sayu sniffled, her crying was over for the moment.

"Well I met up with Light after he got done from college and he was walking with him. Ryuzaki was weird, but in a cool way. He was nice and we talked and I really liked him from the beginning." She said, rubbing her red bloodshot eyes.

"Anyways about a month ago he came over to see Light, but he wasn't here so I let him in. Soon we began to talk and I told him he was cute." She paused.

"Then I asked for a kiss and then we began to make out and soon enough he was banging me into the couch. It hurt but it felt sooo good, I mean his dic…"

"Ok, I get it.' Sachiko said, her face red and a Kleenex at her nose for the sudden nosebleed. "Well he should get in trouble for statutory rape." She said and Sayu pulled away.

"No! It wasn't rape or anything. I know he's older than me, but it felt right and true. Also I want to have him inside…"

"Sayu!" Sachiko yelled and had to add another tissue to her nose.

"Sorry." She apologized.

"Well there's only one thing left to do then if you don't want him arrested." Sachiko said and Sayu looked confused.

"What's that?"

"To get married of course!" Sachiko said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

"But I'm too young!"

"Well you weren't too young to fuck someone you hardly knew!" Sachiko screamed and Sayu bitch slapped her.

"How dare you call me a slut!" Sayu yelled and received a slap of her own.

"Don't you dare hit your mother!" There was a pause and then they hugged, bawling about being sorry and Sachiko admitting she wished she could have tapped the detectives ass.

TBC

Sorry about it being uber short.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

It's been a month since everything happened and Soichiro announced that Sayu and L were going to get married. If L hadn't agreed the older man was going to shoot his dick off, so safe to say L did agree and soon they would be man and wife.

"L you know if Kira knew you knocked up my 15 year old sister he would have killed you." Light said and large dark eyes looked at him.

"I doubt it and if he did it's because he can't get laid himself." L said and Light fumed inside. "By the way Light have you done the deed with Misa yet?"

Light glared with all the hate he could muster at the detective. "No, I feel we should wait a few more years before becoming physical." He replies and Soichiro basically had stars of endearment in his eyes.

"That's my boy! He knows he's not ready for such a relationship yet, unlike someone I know." He said sipping his coffee and L threw a nerf ball at the older man's head. L grinned as he received a glare and stood up.

"Well Yagami-san it's safe to say that will never happen with Light because I'm 90% sure he is gay and is in love with Matsuda." He replied and everyone's jaws fell open.

"Light? I never knew you felt that way about me! I'm so happy!" Matsuda giggled and threw himself at the younger man. Light was squealing like a pig as Matsuda attacked him and Soichiro ran over to get the young cop off his son.

"Light why didn't you tell me you were gay!?" Soichiro yelled and red faced Light stood up.

"I'm not gay! L is just being an asshole!" Light shouted.

"And there he goes about male anatomy." L stated and ducked the punch that came at him.

"Cradle robber!" Light yelled.

"Fudge packer!" L yelled back.

"Pedophile!"

"Sinatra lover!"

"Asshole!"

"Chicken Fucker!" L screamed and everyone went silent for a moment. "Well this conversation was interesting but Sayu requested to talk with me so if you would excuse me." He said and left.

"So Light do you love me?" Matsuda asked and red eyes blazed at him.

"No! I'm not GAY!" Light stomped out and Soichiro sighed.

"I can't believe my son is gay." He said and after a minute they continued to work.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Plans for the wedding were well underway, though the task force could care less, except Soichiro who turned into an obsessive wedding planner.

"So son are you going to bring Matsuda as your date for the wedding?" He asked and Light growled.

"God damn it! I'm not gay!" Light shouted.

"Son. I am your father and a cop, I could tell things ever since you were young." The elder Yagami said. "And besides your mother found gay porn in your room."

Light's jaw dropped and stood there for a moment. "Fine. I am gay! Happy!?" Light ran off bawling and the others sweat dropped.

"What a little bitch." L said and Soichiro sighed.

"Lets just continue out Kira investigation, with everything going on we haven't gotten much done." He said.

"Sooo. Does this mean I'm Light's date for the wedding?" Matsuda asked was ignored.

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Light sat in a corner in the HQ room for the remainder of the day with a dark cloud hanging over his head.

"What's wrong with Light?" Aizawa asked.

"I believe the expression is that he is in his emo corner." L replied and received a glare from the boy.

"If anyone here is emo it's you." Light said.

"Light sit in a chair for the love of God." Soichiro said and finally his son sat in one of the office chairs. "There's nothing to be ashamed of son, there's plenty of gay men around." Light grimaced and L smiled evilly.

"Yes Light, there's nothing to be ashamed of wanting butt sex." L said and Light stood up.

"Ryuzaki." L looked at him. "FALCON PUNCH!" Light yelled and punched the detective. L's dark eyes narrowed and went over to a closet that seemed to just appear.

"You want to play dirty Light, then lets play!" L opened the door dramatically. "Plushies attack!" With that command thousands of L plushies shot out and covered the poor screaming teen.

"This just isn't making sense anymore." Mogi said, the first thing he ever uttered in this story.

TBC

Next will have more L and Sayu, promise!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

L sat with Sayu at a small café and were talking about the future. "So what should we call the baby?" Sayu asked.

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about it." L replied.

"How about Light if it's a boy? You know after my brother.

"I rather shoot my dick off." L said and she made a face.

"Fine then what do you suggest?" She said.

"I think Adrienne if it's a girl and Billy Bob for a boy." L said, smiling to himself at the last name.

"I am NOT naming my son Billy Bob!" Sayu growled. "I think it should be Daisuke."

"Agreed. Now we need to plan where to go for our honeymoon." L said. "I was thinking the Bunny Ranch in America." Sayu raised an eyebrow.

"What's the Bunny Ranch?"

"It's a legal whorehouse." L said and squeaked when she grabbed him by the neck.

"We are not going there! I should just beat you to death for even suggesting such a thing!" Sayu hissed and L could swear he saw hell in her brown eyes.

"I was just joking." He gasped after she let him go.

"Well I want to go to the Bahamas or maybe France." Sayu said all happy now.

"Mood swings…." L murmured and noticed her staring.

"We can do both." He said. "Anyways Light came out of the closet and admitted to being gay." Sayu burst out laughing and held onto his arm.

"I'm surprised dad didn't see it sooner! I mean it was sooo obvious!" She said and L couldn't help but agree.

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Meanwhile at HQ Light was tending to his wounds that the L plushies have inflicted and winced as the dolls continued to watch him. Their creepy voices clamoring amongst themselves and he shivered.

"God leave me alone." Light whines and the dolls all turned to him.

"We can't do that." One said.

"Our Master gave us orders to watch you until he comes back." Another said.

"Uh excuse me for asking, but how in the hell can these dolls be talking and moving on their own?" Mogi asked.

"Magic." The plushies said together.

"Magic? There is no such thing as magic." Aizawa said and the plushies dark eyes went red.

"You shouldn't have said that."

"Now we need your blood."

"BLOOD!"

Aizawa screamed at the plushies attacked, biting him with their vampire teeth and drinking his sweet sweet blood.

TBC

Hmmm. I suppose I should end this soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

2 Months Later

The investigation was at a stand still manly because of the wedding in two months and the new baby in six. Aizawa had bought a cattle prod to keep the hungry plushies at bay and so they returned to L to feed them clamato juice instead. As for Sayu she was invited to stay at HQ now, though Soichiro and Light bitched about it until she beat them up with pregnant fury.

"Why are we still coming here when we're not even trying to capture Kira anymore?" Matsuda asked.

"We all know Kira is Light…" L began and Light growled, ready to launch an attack.

"Light you touch him and you're DEAD!" Sayu threatened while petting a AK-47 and with a blue tint on his face Light sat back down.

"I am not Kira." Light sulked.

"Yes you are." L said.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Jesus H Monkey Balls! YES YOU ARE! ADMIT IT YOU ASSHOLE!" L shouted and coughed. "I mean are too." Things went silent until Sayu through a plushie at Light, making him scream like a woman and went running away from the terror.

"Sayu why in the world did you do that?" Soichiro asked, rubbing his temples at the headache that had taken permanent resident in his head.

"Because if Ryuzaki says Light is Kira than the bastard is Kira." Sayu said and Light managed to through the plushie out the window.

"See he killed me!" L screamed and they seen the soul of the dead plushie floating off into the clouds.

"Light! How could you!?" Soichiro yelled and slapped handcuffs on the teen.

"WTF! It's just a doll!" Light shouted and his father started to read his rights as he took him off to jail.

"Ok people this case is solved. Be happy with yourselves for doing such a good job." L said and everyone looked at him with sweat drops, well except Matsuda.

"Now who am I going to bring to the wedding?" He cried and starting sobbing hysterically, the tears spraying like geysers.

"I know! Take Mogi!" Sayu squealed.

"I'm not gay and you all know that I have a girlfriend." The quiet man said.

"Oh yeah." Sayu said.

"Take Watari." L said and heard the cock of a gun behind him.

"Sir I think you better think of someone else." Watari spoke as he held a gun.

"Sure." L said and moved over to Sayu for protection. "Then…I know! Matt!"

Watari thought for a moment and nodded in agreement. "I'll inform him right now."

"Uh who's Matt?" Matsuda asked.

"Oh just a friend of mine." L said and everyone looked at each other.

"BLOOD!" A plushie yelled and jumped at Awizawa who zapped it with his new prod.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

It was a silent night, Sayu was asleep snuggled in bed with the plushies and L by her side and everything felt perfect…at least for them.

Meanwhile Misa was visiting Light in jail and they were both pissed. "So what are we going too do now?" Misa whined.

"Nothing. We can't kill L now because if he dies Sayu will torture and kill us." Light said.

"So you're just going to give up?" Misa pouted.

"Maybe we should just bury the Death Notes for now." Light suggested and Ryuk floated in.

"Are you giving up the Death Note then?" Ryuk asked.

"No, just burying them for a bit." Light said and the Shinigami sighed.

"So I guess I'll have to kill you." Ryuk said.

"No!" Light screamed and the death god laughed.

"I'm kidding, with your sister preggers and L the daddy his is more fun than you being Kira." Ryuk said.

"Um you guys I just noticed that everyone can hear us taking about the Death Notes." Misa pointed out and Light started crying.

"You dumb asses! There's no one else here." Ryuk said and shook his head.

"Oh yeah." Light said, going back to normal.

"Why are you here visiting Misa? There's no visiting a jail at night." Ryuk said.

"It's because the author keeps forgetting to put me in the story so she decided to add this scene." Misa replied and a cricket chirped.

"What the hell are you smoking?" Ryuk asked and floated away from the retarded scene.

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At Whammy House Matt, Mello and Near go the news of L's upcoming wedding and new daddy hood.

"Well who knew L had it in him." Mello said and read about Matt going with some Matsuda guy for the wedding.

"Why the hell do I have to go with some dude I don't even know?" Matt grumbled.

"I think Watari's judgment is impaired, I mean you're only 15." Near said.

"Fucking perverts." Matt grumbled and felt like sicing his plushies on the old man.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Just so you know only L and his successors have plushie armies.**

**Chapter Nine**

**Light stretched and felt happy. Happy because he was out of jail, the judge told everyone that it was stupid to arrest him for throwing a doll out a window. Also he was happy because Misa was dead, apparently she was crushed by a meteor shower a few nights before.**

**Of course Light was annoyed that Misa buried the Death Notes without telling him **_**where she hid them. Rem was pissed, but knew Light had nothing do to with the whiny blonde's death, it was just an odd occurrence. At least the Kira case was closed, but that didn't mean he could get away from L. Far from it. For some reason the taskforce members still went to the HQ building and he was forced to go as well, though his father supervised him.**_

"_**Light are you quiet done? You're hogging all the story's space." L said and Light frowned.**_

"_**L, I was put away in jail for throwing a fucking plushie doll out the window and that was plain stupid so I think the readers deserve to know my thought." Light said.**_

"_**What the hell are you two talking about?" Aizawa asked. "This isn't a story this is real life."**_

"_**Whatever." L said and giggled like a girl when Sayu licked his cheek. **_

"_**God! Don't do that! It's disgusting!" Light exclaimed.**_

"_**Well I accidentally walked in on them having sex, how do you think I feel?" Matsuda cried and Soichiro stood up.**_

"_**L! Sayu is…god damn how many months are you pregnant?" He asked and Sayu looked at him like -_-.**_

"_**I'm almost four months dad." She said. "Senile old man." She murmured to herself.**_

"_**As I was saying. L! Sayu is four months pregnant, I don't think you two should be engaging in sex." Soichiro said and L shrugged.**_

"_**It's perfectly safe, especially if she's on top." L said and everyone went red face, except him and Sayu.**_

"_**Yeah. Me lika to bounce…." Sayu began.**_

"_**Sayu…." Soichiro warned.**_

"_**But of course I like it when Ryuzaki bends me over and just gives it to me good and hard!" Sayu growled and the team shifted uncomfortably. **_

"_**So now that Light is out of jail for murdering me…I mean my plushie is Matt still going with Matsuda to the wedding?" L asked and Watari shrugged.**_

"_**It's up to Matsuda to decide." He said.**_

"_**Um hello, don't I have a say in this?" Light asked, waving his arms around.**_

"_**We all know you want Matsuda." L said and Light blushed, not saying another word.**_

"_**I'll go with Light." Matsuda said hugging the poor boy.**_

"_**Well what about Matt?" Watari asked.**_

"_**Him and Mello can go with each other." L said. "As for Near I think he rather go alone." "Who the hell are those people?" Aizawa asked.**_

"_**Now now Aizawa, don't be rude." L said.**_

"_**Yes don't be rude to Master." A plushie chimed and the cattle prod was pointed at it.**_

"_**Bitch." Another plushie said and everyone just went silent.**_

_**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**At Whammy House they received another email from Watari and Matt read it. "Well now he says I don't have to go with that dude, but now me and Mello have to go together." He said.**_

"_**Fine as long as they have chocolate and a spare room for out lovin." Mello said. "What about Near, who's he suppose to go with?" **_

"_**No one, it says he doesn't have to bring anyone." Matt said. "What do you think Near? Near? Near!?" Matt shouted and noticed the boy was busy watching Mello's and his plushies having an orgy.**_

"_**Oh geez Mello they're at it again!" Matt shouted and the two ran over to separate the two groups.**_

"_**Hey! Stop!" Near yelled. "This is some good shit." He said and Matt and Mello fainted.**_

_**TBC**_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

One Month To The Wedding.

Sayu: About 5 months along. I forget. Lets just go with this.

Matsuda strolled into the brightly lit café wearing a rainbow t-shirt and jeans, safe to say it screamed gay. He knew he looked hot especially his ass, these jeans fit just right on the firm globes.

"Matsuda stop your inner monologue and get over here." L said and the young cop skipped to the table and sat next to Light, who looked his boyfriend over. Yes. They finally announced they were going out and Light wasn't even trying to act straight anymore. No, instead he opted to painting his fingernails until Soichiro put a stop to it. Anyhoo.

"So when are we going to meet your friends? This Matt, Mello and Near?" Light asked.

"There coming today, though I don't know why they're coming a month early. I think Roger just wants them to get away from him, they keep asking him to buy them porno's." L said.

"Who's Roger?" Sayu asked.

"Just some grumpy old man who jacks off to bugs." Watari said and Soichiro sighed.

"Is everyone you two know sexually depraved?" He asked.

"I suppose. This girl we know, her name is Wedy by the way, she loves she-males." L said. "An another friend, a man named Aiber likes farm animals…"

"Okay lets stop talking about that crap." Awizawa growled as he felt his lunch rising in his throat.

"Fine." L agreed.

"Yeah the only sex talk I'm interested in is about Ryuzaki." Sayu exclaimed and started making out with said man.

"God damn it knock it off you two!" Soichiro yelled and Sayu pouted, pulling away.

"You're just jealous because mom won't give up anymore." Sayu said and everyone went silent as Soichiro mentally planned to go to a whore house.

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Meanwhile Rem and Ryuk were watching them in the café and were bored. "So what are we going to do now that Light can't find the Death Notes? Should we tell him where they are?" Ryuk asked.

"Hell no, let the shit suffer." Rem said.

"Are you just pissed because that Misa chick died?" Ryuk asked.

"It wasn't her time to die." Rem said.

"I don't get it, if she wasn't meant to die then how come she did?"

"It was an accident. Meteors are unpredictable so it was unforeseen that she would die." Rem answered.

"Well…that sucks." Ryuk said. "I'm bored. Let's blow some shit up."

"Fine." Rem said and they left to blow a gas station up.

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Mello sighed on the plane that Matt, Near and himself on, on their way to Japan. Even though they were a month early they just couldn't stand being around Roger anymore, the old man was pissing them off pretty bad about his love affair with those damn bugs.

"Where's Near?" Mello asked.

"I think he's jacking off in the bathroom." Matt said.

"I'm right here assholes." Near said calmly.

"Oh I didn't see you there bunny." Mello said with a smirk.

"Vas te branler!" Near shouted and continued to look out the window.

TBC

Vas te branler is French for Fuck Yourself. ^_^


	11. Chapter 11

_**Chapter Eleven**_

_**Matt, Mello and Near got out of the taxi and went to the building Watari gave them the address to. It was a large building and Mello couldn't help but wonder if Near would die if he was to throw him from the roof.**_

_**They buzzed the front door and Watari let them in and sighed at all the luggage they brought. "Why did you three back so much?" He asked.**_

"_**Well we are going to be here for a while and besides we had to bring our plushies, the missed L's so much." Mello said and inhaled a chocolate bar.**_

_**Anyways they went up and Watari announced the three were here, the ex-taskforce looked at the three teenagers (I changed their ages slightly) with curiosity.**_

"_**So you ass munches are the three kids we keep hearing about?" Light asked.**_

"_**Shut up asshat!" Mello huffed and Matt held him back.**_

"_**Mello it's not worth getting in trouble over some shit bag." Matt said and Light snarled, cracking his knuckles. **_

'_**Light knock it off." Soichiro said and the teen went pouting over to Matsuda.**_

"_**Well I'm surprised you didn't bring you're meth lab on wheels here." L said and Matt laughed.**_

"_**After we blew up the orphanage last time we gave that shit up." Mello said.**_

"_**Hey that's against the law." Aizawa stated.**_

"_**Der!" L said and cleared his throat. "Anyways. These three guys are my successors in case I die or just don't feel like working anymore."**_

"_**So you have two teenage boys and one tranny?" Aizawa asked and Mello shot the man's afro. The older man screamed and shit his pants, which L laughed at.**_

"_**Back to the introductions." L said. "This blonde guy is Mello. The red head or as in the anime brown haired guy is Matt and the albino kid is Near.**_

"_**I'm not albino god damn it! Do I have pink or blue eyes!?" Near yelled and cleared his throat. "I mean…whatever."**_

"_**Don't yell at me pussy!" L shouted and shocked him with Aizawa's cattle prod, making Mello burst out laughing.**_

"_**Aizawa for the love of god go take a bath and change your clothes!" Soichiro gagged and the other man went off to clean himself.**_

"_**Sooo L. We heard you knocked a girl up." Matt said.**_

"_**Well it sure as hell wasn't fruit." L said and Near stood up.**_

"_**Fucking fruit is the bomb." Near said and everything went silent for a moment.**_

"_**Near I think you need help. Here's a hundred dollars, go get a hooker." L said.**_

"_**Sweet!" Near exclaimed.**_

"_**When I was 12 I had sex with a balloon animal." Mogi said.**_

"_**Go away Mogi." L said.**_

"_**Christ is everyone I know retarded or something?" Soichiro asked the ceiling. **_

"_**Go home and screw you're wife Yagami-san." L said and left, leaving everyone alone.**_

_**TBC**_

_**_**_

_**I made Near a real perv. It wasn't intended at the beginning, but it's actually quiet funny if I do say so myself.**_


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

L, Sayu, Near, Mello and Matt were at the door of the Yagami house, Sachiko invited them all to dinner though Light wasn't too keen on the idea.

Instead of ringing the doorbell Mello kicked the door a few times and a rather irritated Sochiro answered the door. "Stop kicking my god damn door!" He yelled and they piled in. Sachiko caught sight of them and ran over.

"Oh my Sayu you've gotten big since the last time I say you!" She exclaimed and turned to L. "I hope you're treating her well."

"Of course." L scoffed and Sachiko turned to the three teens.

"Oh you must be the boys Light told me about, but he never mentioned you three were so…delectable." She smacked her lips and the boys scooted away.

"Ok dear let's sit down." Soichiro said, steering his wife to the table and everyone sat down.

"So how have you been Sayu?" Sachiko asked.

"Oh fine, just needing to piss about every five minutes and wanting to punch people for no reason." She said.

"That's true. She punched Watari for giving her Coke instead of Vanilla Coke." L said and Sayu shrugged.

"Oh dear! Sayu you shouldn't be doing things like that!" Sachiko scolded and then proceeded to eye hump Near.

"Whatever, let's just eat." Light sighed and the rest of the meal when smoothly.

After dinner Near was elected to help Sachiko with the clean up and washing dishes so the others went into the living room to relax.

"Well at least everything is normal for once." Light announced but they all jumped when they heard a scream. Near ran and hid behind L while Sachiko stopped in the room, holding a rope.

"She was going to tie me up and put me in the basement!" Near shouted.

"Yagami-san I think your wife needs some…sexual time. We'll leave while you two have fun." L said and Sachiko dragged off her husband upstairs. The others ran out before they could hear anything and Mello sighed.

"You know Near, this could have been a good time to lose your virginity." Mello said.

"I already did…with your chocolate." Near said.

"FREAK!" Mello screamed and was held back by Matt.

"He's just joking Mello." L said. "Right Near?"

"Of course I am. I actually lost it to a watermelon." Near stated and L slapped him up the head.

"Near, you lose it to a HUMAN not some freaking fruit! I'm having Watari bring you to that whorehouse." L said and they all climbed into the black car that arrived.

"How did you know we we're ready to leave?" Light asked.

"L sent a telepathic message to me." Watari said.

"I called him, Watari is getting senile I'm afraid." L said and the old man hmphed.

"Always spoiling my fun." Watari muttered and they rode off, dropping Near at the whorehouse and then returning to HQ.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Wedding Day

Sayu giggled and twirled around in her white lace wedding dress, it had gold trim and fit just right…even if her stomach showed a little. She couldn't wait to see L, even though he refused to wear a tuxedo he was going to be wearing something completely different.

With one last twirl she put on her gold dangle heart earring and heart necklace, all in all she felt perfect.

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L frowned and fingered the black turtleneck shirt he had to wear and the black dress pants. Both were itchy but the pants felt like they were trying to dig in his ass. Very uncomfortable. Worst of all were the shoes. God damn loafers or whatever they were felt like a elephant shit on his feet so he couldn't move like usual.

"So L why did you make us best men and not Light?" Matt asked.

"Because Light is a douche." L replied.

"At least we don't have to wear tuxedo's as well." Near said.

"Whatever my ass itches." Mello said and they just looked at him. "Well we need to get out there." With that they left and stood in front of the church, the guests were mostly from Whammy House and the Yagami family.

The wedding march started and instead of flower girls there were Near and Matt's plushies throwing petals around while Mello's plushies threw the ring pillow at L, which he caught.

Soon Sayu walked in with the L plushies holding her dress behind her and Sachiko burst out crying. "Mom…" Light started but went silent as Sayu joined L up front.

"Let's get this shit started ok?" The priest said and rambled on and on until they kissed.

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Everything was over and L and Sayu were at the former HQ building. "Well…I'm bored." L said and they both passed out.

TBC

I'm sorry this isn't as funny.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

L and Sayu were in Hawaii for their honeymoon and though the night weather was perfect outside they spent most of their time inside. Wink wink. Unfortunately the rest of the hotel didn't appreciate their declarations of love and bitched. With all the thumping, moaning, yelling and squeaking no one could sleep.

"If it's my Master that's here how come all of you are here?" A L plushie asked.

"Because we're bored." A Mello plushie stated.

"Plus they have a sweet arcade downstairs." A Matt plushie gushed.

"…" The Near plushies remained silent.

"God I'm sick of all of this noise!" A fat ass bald man yelled, coming out of his room and started to the honeymooners door, but was stopped by the massive armies of the plushies.

"You best just turn around right now." A Mello said, pointing a small gun.

"What the hell are you!?" The blob screamed.

"We're demons here to eat your soul." A L moaned eerily and the man left screaming.

"Now that was a bit much." A Matt said and lit a miniature cigarette. They went silent as they heard ballet music and saw a Near plushie dancing in a tutu.

"Uh what the fuck?" A Mello stated and the rest of the Near's shrugged.

"That's just how that one is." One of them explained.

"Oookay." A Matt said and they watched as the plushie danced away.

"So is that one gay or something?" A Mello asked.

"Possibly we try and stay away from him." A Near said.

"I'm bored." A Mello said.

"Oh shut up." Another Mello gumbled and soon all the Mello's were in a pile fight.

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Meanwhile back in Japan.

Matsuda was dressed in a maid outfit and giggled as Light petted his hair. "I think next time you should dress as a school girl." Light said and glomped the older man.

-----------------------------------------

"How come I'm not in this!?" Takada screeched.

"They've forgotten about us!" Mikami bawled. "Because the plot was changed we are no longer needed!"

The two bawled in their emo corner and the mafia and other characters that were suppose to be in the anime joined them.

TBC

Stupid ne?


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Sayu: 7 Months along now.**

**L was currently hiding from a raging Sayu all because he refused to go get her some pizza and frosting. So now Sayu was packing a paint gun and tried to find her prey who was in the closet. (Ha, in the closet!)**

'**Please don't let her find me! Oh please dear sweet Jesus don't let her find me!' L thought and screamed when the closet door was ripped off. The paint ball gun was leveled to his crotch and L whimpered.**

"**So are you going to get me what I want or I'm I going to have to make your ball truly blue?" Sayu growled and L got out of his hiding place.**

"**Sure, only the best for you!" L squeaked and ran out at top speed.**

"**That's right bitch don't you ever think about disobeying me again!" Sayu yelled after him.**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Back In England**

**Mello sighed, bored and was shooting at Near plushies to help with said boredom. He watched as the dolls were running around, trying to get away until Near stepped in and sicked his human sized Optimus Prime statue onto Mello.**

"**Goddamn it Near!" Mello screamed and was beaten by the robot.**

"**Did you have to take it that far?" Matt asked.**

"**Yes! He's always ragging on me, destroying my toys and just being an all around dickhead!" Near screamed and Matt backed away…slowly.**

"**Easy not Near, why don't you take your meds." Matt said.**

"**Leave me alone or I'll go Wolverine on your ass." Near threatened and walked away, with his Opimus Prime doll and plushies following him. Matt sighed in relief and went over to the now bruised and unconscious Mello.**

"**You know sometimes I hate you." He said and carried the blond off to the infirmary.**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Aizawa yawned, glad to be able to be back home where things were **_**normal unlike at the former HQ. Yeah he was thrilled he didn't have to be around the bipolar L, the flamboyantly gay Light and the moody Sayu, of course he still had to work with Rainbow Bright AKA Matsuda.**_

_**Speaking of work, Soichiro seemed to take to hiding in the office since his wife became a nymphomaniac and was down right limping all the time. Poor poor man. His poor old manhood was probably losing skin at this point so he usually hid in the basement or closets when his wife appeared in the police station to get her husband. A few times Matsuda ratted on him, but after a few beatings he learned to keep his damn mouth shut.**_

_**Another yawn and Aizawa scratched as his scars that those damn L plushies gave him by feeding off of him. That is another thing he would never miss. NEVER. **_

_**With the last thought he stood up and went to get some sleep, but paused when he saw red eyes glowing in the darkness of his bedroom. A L plushie flew out and the older man screamed as he was attacked.**_

_**TBC**_


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The Birth

Sayu snuggled into L on their bed, they finally have a house of their own and lived in Japan. Actually they lived only a few blocks from the Yagami house, but o-well.

Sleep was interrupted when Sayu felt pain, the kind of pain you wished for someone to shoot you and your family…well maybe not that far but IT REALLY FUCKING HURT! The pain kept coming and soon enough it felt like a water balloon erupted under the covers. Sayu tried calming down, taking breathes and when that didn't work she punched L in the ass to wake up.

"Ahh! What the hell!?" L jumped and felt the liquid, his nose wrinkling. "Eww. Did you piss the bed Sayu?" For that he was punched into the wall.

"No you fucking moron I'm in labor!" She screeched.

"Watari! You old fucking man get the car!" L screamed and Watari went to the car in his boxers and got it started.

"Get my bags ass!" Sayu yelled as another contraction hit.

"Stop yelling at me!" L shouted, grabbing the bags and then slinging her over his shoulder. After getting stuffed in the car Watari sped them away to the hospital.

At the hospital L dragged the very pissed off Sayu and plopped her in a wheelchair. "Hey we have a woman in labor!" He shouted and no one came. "FREE COOKIES!" He shouted and every doctor showed up.

"Cookies?" One sniffled when they didn't see any treats.

"My wife is in labor, help her or my army will devour your souls!" L threatened and on cue the army of plushies appeared with evil twinkling eyes.

"Get this woman to delivery right now! I want to keep my soul and have cookies later." A doctor yelled and in less than .02 seconds Sayu was prepped and ready.

"I think I'll stay out here." L said inching away.

"Oh no, your ass is staying here!" Sayu bellowed and held onto his arm.

"But what if it's like on that movie The Fly? You know where she dreamed she was having a giant maggot?" L stated and received a punch.

"That's just a fucking movie! Now call my family and tell them what's going on!" Sayu yelled.

"But then I would have to leave because you can't use your cell phones in hospitals." L stated.

"You shit bag just do it!" Sayu screeched and began to push.

"Damn it." L dialed and Sachicko answered. "No time for small talk, Sayu is having the baby and I'm scared for my life." L said and hung up.

* * *

15 Minutes Later

Sayu laid sleeping and L was passed out with his arm in a cast, the others were outside the nursery ogling the little baby. A little baby girl and after picking names in the previous chapters they went a different direction and called her Mileena…because L apparently had an obsession with Mortal Kombat.

"Wow she…she looks like L." Light said, wearing his new rainbow outfit and newly pierced ear.

"Son I thought I told you not to dress like that in public." Soichiro said and was ignored.

"Hey has anyone seen Aizawa lately?" asked Matsuda.

"Oh yeah we forgot to tell you, he's dead." Mogi said and the young cop's eyes bulged.

"He's dead!? How!?"

"Apparently one of L's plushies found his home and ate the poor bastard." Soichiro said.

"WTF! How come no one told me!?"" Matsuda yelled, causing the poor baby to start crying.

"Matsuda you idiot." They all said and ganged up on the poor man.

As for L…he was scarred for life after watching his daughter be born and vowed to never have another kid again. Of course Sayu had other ideas…RAPE!

THE END

Stupid ending, but I was getting bored with the story and just needed to end it.


End file.
